My Untrue Negative Perceptions Following my last Deployment

Being a father

I know my 15 year old daughter loves me however, she has told me a number of times if she could she would go live with her mom. I don’t feel I get respect or love from her, she tells me good night every night but nothing I do is good enough. I sometimes yell way too much, my 3 year old looks at me in disbelief that her dad is mad at her. The military comes out in me when I am disciplining the kids, and my wife hates it. When I don’t think I am hard enough.

Military

Embarrassed, hurt, not good enough, broken, not liked, ashamed, disgraced. Not in any way what I thought, not respected by junior soldiers or chain of command.

Being a husband

Lost, loved but not liked or happy to be with, emotional roller coaster type relationship, not happy at all, I love being married but hate being tied down and obligated to someone else’s emotions and way of life. First divorce took ten years and everything I owned, and what will this one do if it happens. I really don’t feel like I am welcome or respected at home.

My friends

I have none; mostly acquaintances in the local area at this time and what few friends I do have are spread all over the country. I don’t feel liked or happy to be around.

Financial

Not in control, impulse purchaser, I spend money to make myself feel better. I feel better sometimes if I don’t have money at all so I can’t spend it. I am all most like someone with financial bulimia. It’s my money I am entitled to it I went through hell to earn it.

Therapy

Hard to deal with some times, some weeks I can’t wait to go, others I go kicking and screaming all the way to the VA. Sometimes can’t tell if I am being taken seriously or if I am viewed as looking for a means to an end for a PTSD clam or some type of compensation. I have faith, digging into ones past and all of the things that haunt them are both very depressing and overpowering. However, I understand things more and more have learned to psychoanalyze the whole world.